Today I saw him holding hands with another girl. I think he saw me too because they were about to cross the road but then changed directions.
There are no words for it. I feel sad and rejected and inadequate and small and lonely. But those just scratch the surface. My insides feel so contracted and I feel like I need to let it out somehow but I’m just completely paralysed too.
I really thought that if he was coming back here, that he would come back to me. But he hasn’t come back to me.
I feel so stupid and such an idiot for thinking that I was someone different, someone special to him.
But I need to remind myself that even if I was just another number to him, I’m not dispensable.
I am different.
I am special.
Fuck him for being selfish and running away from commitment.
Fuck him for telling me he had a dream about me and then asking to catch up.
Fuck him for being a coward and not being upfront in his communication.
I’ve unfriended him on Facebook and unfollowed him on Instagram, and removed his following on my Instagram. I need to cut him out of my life.
I’m thankful for friends who I can cry with, who will join me in screaming into the wind at the beach, who will remind me that I will have someone better than him in my future. I will. I will. I will.