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Feeling full is made that much more uncomfortable when your bra is tight.

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At lunch with O today, I asked him – do you still like me? He nodded and reached across the table to hold my hands. I told him that recently it felt like he didn’t want to spend that much time with me. He told me that he’d just been feeling really tired. I said I could understand that, and that’s where the conversation ended.

I know that this conversation doesn’t sound like much but I do believe him, and maybe that willingness to trust will come back as gullibility and bite me one day, but what can you do really? I think in relationships you have to trust that the other person is being honest with you.

What I’m learning is that he is an introvert and that because of this, he operates vastly different to me. I am an extrovert, I really like spending time with people and I make room in my life for this. With O, I think he enjoys his own time and the limited energy he has is usually taken over by his flatmates because they’re always there, in his space.

To be honest, we are each other’s longest relationships and neither of us really know what we’re doing. I want him to be more communicative but the reality is that he’s still learning the ropes of what it means to be in a meaningful relationship too, so there’s gotta be grace for that, just as there needs to be grace for things that I do which I’m still learning.

At the moment, I know that he still likes me, that he still wants to spend time with me, and that’s enough for now.

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Today has been less productive… and more anxiety filled instead.

It’s the same stuff – I feel like O isn’t making much of an effort to see me, doesn’t seem to be that bothered about it, which makes me feel shit and wonder if he’s losing interest, I project that fear and the insidious cycle continues. Talking about it with my counsellor today, I know that I need to just talk to him about it but I’m terrified that he’ll confirm my fears. It’s happened before. A few years ago, I was seeing this guy and felt him become more apathetic and blasé about us. When I brought it up with him, he said “oh yeah, I think you’re right”. Dingus, didn’t even know his own feelings until I told him.

What if the same happens this time? I don’t want me and O to come to an end 😦

I did bring it up briefly with O today (over text though, so doesn’t feel like a proper conversation). I said that I felt like we hardly saw each other anymore (it’s true, we only see each other once or twice a week at the moment). He replied saying that he knows he’s been pretty useless and he’s sorry about that, something about not sleeping well making him tired.

I hope he’s being honest. I’m scared he’s not.

I like him a lot, and I’m so terrified that he doesn’t feel the same way.

Is it better to live in ignorance and this continuous anxiety around whether or not he still likes me? Or is it better to know the truth, for better or worse?

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For postcolonial lit, I’m thinking of writing my research essay on how, if at all, the methods of migration affect a person’s sense of cultural identity. That is, if voluntary migration (e.g. immigration) or involuntary migration (e.g. forced displacement) affects how someone views and regards their heritage, or country of origin.

It’s quite daunting, a big thing to tackle, and I’m not quite sure where to start or where to find resources. But hopefully my interest in it will be enough sustenance to see me through to the end!