Ahhh I have an essay to write and I really don’t want to do ittttt.
I have ideas for my climate change research essay but I wish they were more coherent.
Three hundred and fifty three posts. I’m so close to the end and to coming full circle. It feels strange thinking about where this all started and it doesn’t feel like it’s been long enough to have arrived where I am now. Weird, time is a weird thing.
Today has been one of those super satisfying productive days. I liked today. I like productivity. It makes me feel good.
I spoke to O today about the way that I’ve been feeling, explaining how birthdays and celebrations are important to me, as are words of affirmation, and also asked him to let me in more, and to open up more about his thoughts and feelings. He took it all really well. At first, he was a little teary eyed – I think he may have thought I was going to break up with him, which was a sweet response and I made sure to tell him before I left that I wasn’t mad at him, and that I really care about him. He apologised for not making an effort with my birthday, and said he would try more with the words and also opening up. I’m really glad I talked to him. I know that he never means anything by the things he does or doesn’t do, that it’s just a learning thing because I am his longest relationship.
I think it was a good conversation, I felt heard and my feelings acknowledged. I hope I communicated in a way that made space for dialogue too. The way he responded says that he’s committed to making this work, and I love him all the more for that.
I feel sad and anxious about me and O again. I thought I would see him tonight but he’s made no efforts to arrange anything. I had hoped he would suggest something nice to celebrate my birthday. I don’t think it’s good or healthy to keep feeling like this. But I’m scared to talk to him about it because of the fear that he’ll confirm my fears, that the reason he didn’t make any effort is that he doesn’t care – about me or about us. What then? We’ll probably break up if that was the case. I don’t want to be single again. I’m scared of being alone. But what’s the alternative? To stay in a relationship where I’m constantly questioning, constantly anxious about how he feels about me? That doesn’t sound very pleasant either. It doesn’t feel very pleasant right now.
Birthdays are a weird thing. They force you to confront your mortality and expect you to have fun at the same time?
I turn 28 tomorrow WHAT.
I was still mad/ sulky about last night up until I saw O today. I don’t know why or how, but it’s like all my moody emotions just evaporate when I see him in person and suddenly everything is okay again. It’s not temporary either, because I still feel completely fine now, hours later. It’s like seeing him is the fix I didn’t know I needed- more than us having an in-depth chat about it, more than him affirming me with words. His physical presence with me makes everything better.
O invited me to dinner then passively retracted his offer by telling me how tired he was, and how he needed an early night etc etc. I wish he wouldn’t do that- change his mind on me. Is it that he just suddenly realised he was tired? I get that sometimes. Or is it that he suddenly realised he doesn’t want to see me? I hope it’s not that.
Either way, I wish that he would be upfront and honest about what he wants and not make me vocalise it.