Three Five Zero

I feel sad and anxious about me and O again. I thought I would see him tonight but he’s made no efforts to arrange anything. I had hoped he would suggest something nice to celebrate my birthday. I don’t think it’s good or healthy to keep feeling like this. But I’m scared to talk to him about it because of the fear that he’ll confirm my fears, that the reason he didn’t make any effort is that he doesn’t care – about me or about us. What then? We’ll probably break up if that was the case. I don’t want to be single again. I’m scared of being alone. But what’s the alternative? To stay in a relationship where I’m constantly questioning, constantly anxious about how he feels about me? That doesn’t sound very pleasant either. It doesn’t feel very pleasant right now.

Two Four One

Today has been less productive… and more anxiety filled instead.

It’s the same stuff – I feel like O isn’t making much of an effort to see me, doesn’t seem to be that bothered about it, which makes me feel shit and wonder if he’s losing interest, I project that fear and the insidious cycle continues. Talking about it with my counsellor today, I know that I need to just talk to him about it but I’m terrified that he’ll confirm my fears. It’s happened before. A few years ago, I was seeing this guy and felt him become more apathetic and blasé about us. When I brought it up with him, he said “oh yeah, I think you’re right”. Dingus, didn’t even know his own feelings until I told him.

What if the same happens this time? I don’t want me and O to come to an end 😦

I did bring it up briefly with O today (over text though, so doesn’t feel like a proper conversation). I said that I felt like we hardly saw each other anymore (it’s true, we only see each other once or twice a week at the moment). He replied saying that he knows he’s been pretty useless and he’s sorry about that, something about not sleeping well making him tired.

I hope he’s being honest. I’m scared he’s not.

I like him a lot, and I’m so terrified that he doesn’t feel the same way.

Is it better to live in ignorance and this continuous anxiety around whether or not he still likes me? Or is it better to know the truth, for better or worse?

Two One Five

Two things are on my mind tonight.

  1. G told me she saw J in town today, with a girl. When she told me, I felt a jolt run through me. It wasn’t pain, but it definitely stirred up some old uneasy emotions. I’m glad she told me though. Initially, I found myself wanting to know all the details – where they were, what they were doing, how they were with each other. But I didn’t ask G to elaborate because probably a part of me knew that none of this mattered anymore. And sure enough, the more I thought about it, the more I found myself becoming indifferent. I have fondness for the time we had together, and I’m realising now that it is possible to have good memories with someone who was bad for you. Knowing that he’s still around here though, makes me anxious about running into him. Just hearing about him through G, I felt myself react, I can only imagine how jarring it will be if I come face to face.
  2. O text me today to make plans for next week when he’s back 🙂 I think that means he heard and understood me yesterday and I’m so so appreciative of that. He listens and cares about my needs! He changes! It makes my heart so happy. He makes my heart so happy. I am extremely glad for him in my life. Extremely glad.

Two One Four

Today I had lunch with O and as I saw him walking towards me down the street, I knew that nothing was wrong at all. He was his same happy self and definitely not feeling any of the anxiety I was feeling.

We went rollerblading and while we were waiting for our rollerblades, I asked him if we were okay. He said ‘yeah, I think so?’ with a bit of surprise in his voice. I said that recently I’d been feeling like I was the only one wanting to hang out and again a little surprised, he said ‘really? I suggest things.. don’t I?’ I shook my head. Then our rollerblades came and that was the end of our conversation.

I get the feeling that he’s not the type to be forthcoming with words or feelings and probably feels a bit uncomfortable in conversations like that one, so I’m content with how this chat went. I communicated how I felt and he knows this now, so I guess the future will tell if he’s taken that on board?

Anyway, turns out my anxiety was for nothing and I’m glad for that 🙂

Two One Three

The anxiety with O continues.

I was hoping that he would initiate something today but he didn’t. I didn’t want to not initiate anything just to prove a point because I do want to see him, so in one of my replies I asked what his week was looking like and that I’d like to see him before he goes away.

From that, we had planned to hang out tomorrow night but as it turns out now, he’s made plans for tomorrow night so we’re doing lunch instead.

I’m so scared that this is him losing interest, that his lack of initiation indicates indifference. I want him to want to see me, and to make space for me in his life.

I know that I need to talk to him about this, because I can’t make myself feel better by obsessing and thinking about it. But how do I do that without coming across as nagging or needy?!

One of my best friends reminded me today, when I vented to her about this, that one of my love languages is words of affirmation and that’s why I’m struggling so much. I don’t feel loved by him because I’m not getting affirmation that he cares about me. My other big love language is quality time and I’m not getting any of that either. But what are his? Surely they have to be words of affirmation and quality time to a certain extent?

I’m scared to probe, because what if he confirms my fears? It’s happened before with one of my exes, it could happen again. I’m really scared.

One Three One

My mum gets becomes really controlling when we travel. I think it’s out of fear, in a new place that she doesn’t know. I don’t remember it being this bad when I was young though? But maybe that’s because I was little and didn’t know what was going on. Or maybe this type of anxiety gets worse with age.

One Zero Six

A few weeks ago I decided on a whim to spend New Years with a friend from uni. He used to flat with my best friend’s ex and that’s how we met in 2013. We were never close- only hung out while my friend and her then boyfriend were together. Since then, we’ve both studied and worked and lived overseas and haven’t kept in touch except for some attempts to cross paths in Europe and birthday well-wishes.

He’s back in New Zealand over the summer (originally the plan was for him and his girlfriend to travel to the country for a few months but she wasn’t granted a visa) and when we caught up, he invited me to spend New Years with him and his friends. M is one of those people I feel a natural chemistry with- endless conversations that roll into each other and which last for hours without realising.

It’s so rare to have genuinely soul fulfilling platonic relationships with someone of the gender that you’re attracted to. But I think that’s what I have with M. I’m excited to see him again and meet his friends who must resemble him in some way.

At the same time I also feel a little anxious- what if his friends don’t like me? What if they’re all old friends with lots of history and I’m the weird tagalong? What if M and I don’t actually have that much to talk about and it’s actually just really awkward that we’re spending New Years together? WHAT IF.

These are the thoughts that I’m left with as I ride this ferry for the next three hours. Oh well. If anything, it’ll at least be a story I can tell.