One One One

Had the chat with O tonight, it went well, he called me a unicorn haha. I’m still unsure how I feel about him. There are times when I do think that I like him but I’m not sure and it’s that lack of certainty that concerns me. Does it mean that I actually don’t like him? Or that my feelings are just taking longer to manifest than what I’m used to? And if so, is that a bad thing?

One Zero Three

It’s hard juggling dating and maintaining friendships. I feel like I’m choosing between the two and every time I make plans with O, it’s like I’m disappointing friends by not hanging out with them.

Maybe I just feel like that because that’s how I would feel if the roles were reversed. But this is how it is – when you spend time with someone, the opportunity cost is spending time with someone else. I don’t need to feel guilty for that, and I also shouldn’t make my friends feel guilty for that when they’re dating people too. Shifting dynamics aye, it’s tough.

One Zero Two

O came over tonight for dinner and hangs with me and the flatmates (aka my closest friends). I find that I’m super self conscious about what my friends think of guys I’m seeing. Maybe it’s that I’m not entirely sure what I think of them myself, so knowing someone else’s opinion might sway me a certain way. Maybe it’s also that I believe what they think of them is a reflection on me.

Anyway, I think it went well tonight. O seemed to get along with everyone and hold conversation which is good! I think it’s just especially hard because J was so good at winning people over. I had no doubts that my flatmates would love him but then again, look how that turned out. He is charming and easy to love because of it, but that only goes so far. My flatmates definitely do not like him anymore.

I guess the most important thing is thatΒ IΒ like O, and as long as there aren’t any red flags, and he makes me happy, then my friends will like him too.

One Hundred

WOW – 100 posts. That makes me quite excited!

I spent tonight with O – he cooked dinner for us and then we watched some movies. It’s hard to not compare him with J. There was such a strong attraction with J that I haven’t found with O yet. I don’t know if that means it’s a lesser connection? Or maybe it will be something that grows with time?

It’s past midnight now so, technically, Christmas! Meri kirihimete all πŸ™‚

Ninety Nine

Attention all.

I held hands with a boy today πŸ™‚

It was O, the one I mentioned in an earlier post. We went for a walk after having lunch together and ended up on the roof of a boat shed by the water. Lying side by side, we talked about our childhoods and the cheeky antics we got up to, the books we were reading, anything really.

There’s something exciting about all those firsts with someone – the first reach of the hand, interlocking fingers and later, the first kiss, the first sleepover. Every time I revisit the memory of us lying there, him tentatively taking my hand into his, I feel that flutter of the heart, and it probably won’t be long before these feelings take flight.

It’s moving a lot slower this time than it did with J and, honestly, I’m enjoying it. With J everything followed in such quick succession that I was swept up in the hurricane of it all but with O, I have the time to relish in each newness. I get to enjoy just holding hands for now, and soaking in this moment of having a crush on a boy. I feel like the slower pace is good for building a better foundation.

I don’t know where this will go, but I’m excited to find out. I’m excited to be excited about someone else. When I first started this blog, I was so heartbroken and devastated by loss that a day like today seemed totally unattainable. But here I am πŸ™‚

Ninety Four

I’ve started seeing a new boy. It’s still really early days (we’ve only hung out three times so far) but today, for the first time since J, I thought to myself – yeah, I can do this again.

I’m a little excited, but mostly scared and apprehensive. With heartbreak comes wariness which can almost generate a self-fulfilling prophecy for rejection. I’m afraid of being heartbroken again so I find that I’m more reserved than I normally am, or was. I think that by controlling which parts I hold back, and which parts I slowly release, I can control my emotions and feelings, that I can protect my heart. But I also know that in doing this, I’m not giving O a good chance to know me, which is what I desire in the first place. I want to be known, and I miss being known, but the last guy who knew me, didn’t want me. I’m scared of that happening again.

Sixty Five

I had a drink with a guy after work today. It was the first time since J that I felt remotely excited/ nervous leading up to it. We had things in common and he was fast moving which I appreciated (not a fan of having conversations for weeks without any initiation of meeting in real life). Conversation was easy and flowed well but I sensed a reserved-ness about him. Then all was revealed.

He has just come out of a 6.5 year relationship. They were living together and had been for several years when one day she came home from work and told him that she wasn’t feeling it anymore. That was in August this year. It’s November now. So they’ve been broken up for 3 months. 3 months!

The fuck is he doing on Bumble.

I could be more understanding if he had done the breaking up, because it could have been a long time coming for him and in that case he probably had grieved and made his peace with the end of the relationship by the time the actual break up happened. But in this situation, he was the one who was blindsided, thought everything was going well and is probably (very likely) still processing the loss.

Did I mention they were engaged too? Yup – wedding was going to be in a few months time.

I know the pain of heartbreak all too well, and I could see that he did too. 6.5 years is a very long time to do life with someone. There’s so much history, you can’t just turn that off. I remember when J and I first broke up, I went back on Bumble too. I wanted that intimacy that was all of a sudden ripped away, I wanted to forge something new that would distract me from the loss that cut away at me. But the more dates I went on, the more I realised that I didn’t want intimacy if it wasn’t with him, that I needed to confront the loss and just be sad for a while. Maybe that’s the same with M, maybe he’s looking for something to plug the gaping wound when what he probably needs is to air out the wound and let it heal on its own.

Fuck, how awful would it be to lose a relationship of 6 something years. I can’t fathom that at all. But also, is this all who is left?! Boys who have been dumped or are non-committal or are really weird?!

This can’t be it… right?!?!?

Fifty Two

Tonight we had a meeting for church and were discussing doing a Christmas lunch thing. It was brought up about whether or not we should invite partners. I realised then that I was the only one without a partner and instantly dreaded the idea of going to a lunch where I would be 13th wheel.

Is this my life now? Will I just be that single person in a sea of couples?

I text B today and ended things, said that I didn’t feel chemistry with us and wanted to be clear on my front that I didn’t really see us as more than friends. He responded well (better than A anyway, who said he thought he was in love with me) ((what the actual fuck aye)) and said he felt the same.

I do nay like being in this space – caught between not wanting to be single but not having any viable options.