friendship

Three One Six

It’s been one of those soul satisfying weekends this weekend. Saw two brilliant films as part of the New Zealand International Film Festival – Animals and The Farewell (strong casts and beautiful cinematography) and also consumed delicious food and drinks.

I’m really thankful for K tonight. We had some incredibly searching and deep and honest conversations over dinner and drinks tonight – about living in our twenties with all the baggage we internalise and how to live well through it all. She’s one of those people who will not shy away from genuine relationships and who continuously seeks and gives herself honestly and openly in the pursuit of sincerity. It’s rare to find people like her, and I’m glad that I have.

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Two Zero Nine

Remembered in the middle of the night last night that I missed my thought of the day. So here we are! I like having a boyfriend who will take me to the airport early in the morning 🙂

Yesterday was a great day- I got my reading report back for Postcolonial Lit (the one which I wrote realism on). I got an A 😀 good grades always validate my raison d’être for uni. I breathe a sigh of relief each time I see an A on my papers. I feel justified that if I’ve paid lots of money to pursue something I’m interested in, at least it’s something that I’m good at. I guess it feels like a more worthy investment? But then maybe there are also merits and value in receiving poor feedback and poor grades.

The other great thing about this week is that I’ve made my first uni friend since I started back last year. She’s in my two classes and one of my tutorials. We kept bumping into each other and then both turned up to the Bad Feminists Club. We got chatting and are now planning on hanging out! It’s a weird thing being an adult and making friends. It’s not as simple as being at school or church where you’re lumped with a group of people who you spend days and days with, so friendships naturally form. When you’re an adult, you need to do more than just show up, it takes more effort. You talk to someone new and think ‘hey, you’re cool, I’m cool, let’s hang out’, but there are social intricacies to the way that’s communicated so as to not come across too strange or weird. Anyway, I’m just glad to have a uni friend finally! Yay.

One Eight Three

Found out tonight that some of my friends were upset I didn’t invite them to a movie fundraiser I was going to later this week, that I had invited another friend to. I hate this feeling that I’ve made someone upset, or hurt them somehow 😦 at the same time, I wish I didn’t have to invite everyone to everything.

One Five Six

When my reminder came up on my phone to write a post for today, I started thinking about how great it is that I’ve maintained this for 156 days. One hundred and fifty six. I thought about those first posts and where I was then, how wrecked I felt, with nothing left to be destroyed. And now, 156 days later, I’ve built new foundations from the rubble and each day I get higher and further away from the bits and pieces of the devastation.

In the last 156 days I’ve found happiness again, and learned to value both the exciting and mundane in life. I started dating someone new who cares about me, and who I really care about and makes me feel giddy like a teenager. Most of all, I have deepened friendships with my closest lady friends and that’s the most beautiful thing to come from this. They helped me put my heart back together.

Sixty Four

I’ve been thinking about home since my last post.

There are so many times in my twenties where I feel in between two homes – that of my parents, and the home that I’ll build with my own family. And often I feel like I should be closer to that second home than I am. But actually, home is where I am loved.

Home is at my flat, with those crazy, incredible and wonderful girls.

Home is going to the pub at 5 and coming back at 7 to cook sausage rolls and bake cookies and watch a cheesy movie together.

Home is singing the first three words of a song and knowing those girls will be your harmonisers, dancers, percussion set and hype men.

Home is having people who will support you no matter what – in song and in dance and in life.

Home is loving, and being loved.

Nineteen

I’m crying right now. But they’re happy tears.

I came home to a card from J in Canada, reminding me of just how loved I am. Then, as I was getting ready for bed, I see that G’s stuck a “Truths” poster on the ceiling above my bed:

  • Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows
  • God is always at work
  • This breaking of you will be the making of you
  • You don’t owe anyone shit
  • The voices of condemnation, shame and rejection can come at you, but they don’t have to reside in you
  • You can trust yourself again
  • Sometimes we must feel the pain to heal the pain
  • You are loved and accepted
  • You will connect with a soul better matched with yours
  • You a fine ass woman who deserves the best

My heart is so full. So full of love that I haven’t been able to find for myself in such a long time, full from the generosity of people who care for and love me.

Friend – what a small word to describe the void they fill. There needs to be something bigger, more grandiose, trumpets and party poppers, a procession!

I know now that I’ll be okay.

Because how can I not, when I have friends as great as these?