happiness

Two Two Two

I’m thinking about how this time last year, I was excited to meet J for the first time. We had matched on Bumble and our conversation was so promising about the connection we could, and did, have. I remember feeling so giddy and nervous about having coffee with him, knowing already that there was a good chance we would be a good fit. I was right. And then I was wrong. We were good. And then we were not good.

I’m thinking about how happy I am with O, the way he makes me laugh, how smooth his chest felt against my cheek this morning. I’m thinking about how different O and J are, and how different our relationships are. It’s not that I’m happier now with O, than I was with J, or vice versa. The two just can’t be compared. They’re so different. There is something to be said about commitment and how that is romantic in itself. When someone wants to be with you, cares about what you want and listens to what you have to say – that is something really special. That makes me feel giddy about my relationship with O. I feel heard with him. I feel him try be a good boyfriend. I feel his commitment to us and our relationship.

Advertisement

Two One Five

Two things are on my mind tonight.

  1. G told me she saw J in town today, with a girl. When she told me, I felt a jolt run through me. It wasn’t pain, but it definitely stirred up some old uneasy emotions. I’m glad she told me though. Initially, I found myself wanting to know all the details – where they were, what they were doing, how they were with each other. But I didn’t ask G to elaborate because probably a part of me knew that none of this mattered anymore. And sure enough, the more I thought about it, the more I found myself becoming indifferent. I have fondness for the time we had together, and I’m realising now that it is possible to have good memories with someone who was bad for you. Knowing that he’s still around here though, makes me anxious about running into him. Just hearing about him through G, I felt myself react, I can only imagine how jarring it will be if I come face to face.
  2. O text me today to make plans for next week when he’s back 🙂 I think that means he heard and understood me yesterday and I’m so so appreciative of that. He listens and cares about my needs! He changes! It makes my heart so happy. He makes my heart so happy. I am extremely glad for him in my life. Extremely glad.

One Five Six

When my reminder came up on my phone to write a post for today, I started thinking about how great it is that I’ve maintained this for 156 days. One hundred and fifty six. I thought about those first posts and where I was then, how wrecked I felt, with nothing left to be destroyed. And now, 156 days later, I’ve built new foundations from the rubble and each day I get higher and further away from the bits and pieces of the devastation.

In the last 156 days I’ve found happiness again, and learned to value both the exciting and mundane in life. I started dating someone new who cares about me, and who I really care about and makes me feel giddy like a teenager. Most of all, I have deepened friendships with my closest lady friends and that’s the most beautiful thing to come from this. They helped me put my heart back together.