Eight

Today, I’m writing this from a cafe on the pier. J and I walked this pier on our second date where we joked about stealing life rings from the boats for a dress up party my flat was having. It was overcast that day, like today is, and I can’t stop my mind from going back and reliving the happiness and excitement that I felt from being with him.

There’s a thin line between love and hate. I hate that there’s so much in this city that reminds me of him but at the same time, I love those memories we built here.

I’ve been trying to implement the strategies my counsellor suggested, thinking of those memories objectively and prying them apart to separate the things that I miss, from him. So instead of thinking right now that I miss him and those times, instead thinking that I miss dating and the excitement of new relationships, and of the discovery of someone new.

But it’s so much easier said than done.

I just want to sit and reminisce on those times, feel that happiness again, even if it’s only in my mind. That is my default and it’s so much more effort to push myself to curb my thoughts into healthier patterns. I know that it’s necessary though, and I have to remind myself of the truth that one day it won’t feel like this anymore, even if I don’t believe it right now.

Six

One of the worst things after a break up is having to tell people about it. After J and I broke up, I sent out texts to my closest friends – just copied and pasted into different conversations. I wanted to rip that bandaid off in one go. But there are still conversations you have to have face to face and each time I tell the story of us, I’m pounded again by the reality of those words.

I felt this today at my counselling session. We talked about the breakup and effective strategies to move out of this hole I feel I’m in.

At the moment, I’m skeptical that I’ll find someone like him again, someone that I’ll connect with so instantly and deeply. My counsellor suggested swapping out definitive terms to more time restricted words. So instead of “I’ll never connect with someone else like that again”, to change to “Right now, I feel like I’ll never connect with someone else like that again”.

A couple of years ago, I did a mental health course and they talked about cognitive theories and how you had to train your brain to go down certain thought paths – that our brains were like rivers and the more you carved out the same thought patterns, the easier it was for your brain to think those thoughts. I like that.

I’ve been feeling so disempowered the last few months, have resigned myself to these feelings. It’s nice to think that I can take back some control, that bit by bit, I can train my thoughts to become more hopeful for the future again.

Two

A week after J and I broke up, I visited a church I don’t normally go to. During one of the songs, the pastor there came up to me, asked me my name and then described a vision he had of God making a daisy chain flower crown for me, said he felt God say that I was precious to Him, that He would bring something beautiful out of a place that’s been torn apart. The words that came to him (the pastor) were from Isaiah, specifically the part about beauty for ashes:

“He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favour and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61:1-3

Since then, I’ve been thinking a lot about beauty for ashes and what it means. At first, I held onto it like a lifeline, repeating it like a mantra, trying desperately to find hope and peace in it.

Then, I became overwhelmed with sadness and amongst that, a lot of frustration and anger towards God for not delivering on this beauty.

Today I’ve been thinking about how ashes by definition mean that something has burned out, has died, and maybe that’s what I need to happen for beauty to come out of this shitty situation. I don’t know how I feel about this idea, because as painful as it is to be where I am at the moment, I don’t know if I can bear to let him go yet.

also don’t know how I feel about God and Christianity in general at the moment either. I was brought up in a Christian home and I understand most of the Christian ideas but often find it hard to reconcile the Jesus and God that I think I know, with the one that the majority of people who call themselves Christians say they follow. Anyway, deconstruction is a whole other topic that will probably feature in another post but in the meantime, how can I hold as authority something that I don’t even know if I believe? Maybe I’m just so desperate for something good, a reassurance that how I’m feeling now won’t be forever. Or maybe there is something worthwhile there? I don’t know, I guess we’ll find out.

One

You know those days which are an effort to just think about, those days where you just want to crawl into a ball and cry and have no human interaction? This is one of those days. It’s hard. “Being normal” takes a lot of effort and is exhausting. I want to sleep for 1,000 years.

But somehow, I’ve made it here, in this cafe, writing my first thought. I wish it was an uplifting one. I guess it’s more important that it’s an honest one. I feel like shit and in a lot of fucking pain but on these days I take it 10 seconds at a time and try to live like a normal person, hoping that one day I will feel like a normal person again.

Nevertheless she persisted.

 

Some introductions

Kia ora, and welcome to my blog!

Over the next 365 days, you’ll read thoughts and musings of my mind. It’s nothing fancy, the posts will sometimes be long, sometimes be short, but will always be honest. I’m a 27 year old girl, born in China, raised in New Zealand. My ordinary week consists of working as an accountant and studying as an English Lit student and hanging out with my friends, family and flatmates.

I’m currently writing this in a cafe where I just spent the last hour crying to one of my best friends because, along with those other facts about my life above, I’m also in the middle of recovering from heartbreak. She thought it would be a good idea for me to have a wee project to keep my mind off things. So here we are.

I am passionate about words and I’m excited for this journey ahead and what the next year will reveal!

Thanks for coming along for the ride 🙂

S x