I feel sad and anxious about me and O again. I thought I would see him tonight but he’s made no efforts to arrange anything. I had hoped he would suggest something nice to celebrate my birthday. I don’t think it’s good or healthy to keep feeling like this. But I’m scared to talk to him about it because of the fear that he’ll confirm my fears, that the reason he didn’t make any effort is that he doesn’t care – about me or about us. What then? We’ll probably break up if that was the case. I don’t want to be single again. I’m scared of being alone. But what’s the alternative? To stay in a relationship where I’m constantly questioning, constantly anxious about how he feels about me? That doesn’t sound very pleasant either. It doesn’t feel very pleasant right now.
I’ve been thinking about loneliness today, and how pervasive it can be and feel. I don’t know if it’s possible to escape it, if anyone can rise above it. I just know how crushing it can feel when it hits, like you’re caught in a big wave that leaves you flailing and gasping for air.
And just as suddenly as the wave falls, it clears, and you’re back to bobbing in the water.