Two Three Two

Last night I had a dream that I was nine again. I woke up to intense residual feelings of trying to navigate school and friendships… and shame around my culture and heritage. I couldn’t get back to sleep so started journalling and as I wrote, the more that came back to me about my childhood.

There’s so much that I’d forgotten about. I used to do everything I could to make people believe I was white. I rejected everything that was Chinese, and mimicked the mannerisms, the habits of my white friends so that I could paint this version of myself that I liked better. Who did I think I was fooling?

It’s so sad, to confront this rejection of my identity. I just wanted to be like the other kids. I wanted to be normal. And that meant being white.

One Six Zero

The earth is not in a good place. One of my friends was telling me the other day that her and her husband were considering not having children because all the evidence suggests that if we continue the way we’re going, the world will be in an irreparable state by 2040.

Hearing that has given me a new sense of urgency over climate change. It’s a valid point – is it selfish to bring children into a world which we’ve fucked up, and leave them with the burden of fixing things, if it’s even possible to fix?

This year I want to be more conscious about the waste that I produce and buy less packaged goods.