Today O was more affectionate and outspoken about the way he feels about me. I want to just enjoy it but skepticism lurks at the back of my mind- is it the alcohol that’s encouraging him to be more forthcoming? And if so, is it the truth of how he feels or is he just wanting to get some?
The earth is not in a good place. One of my friends was telling me the other day that her and her husband were considering not having children because all the evidence suggests that if we continue the way we’re going, the world will be in an irreparable state by 2040.
Hearing that has given me a new sense of urgency over climate change. It’s a valid point – is it selfish to bring children into a world which we’ve fucked up, and leave them with the burden of fixing things, if it’s even possible to fix?
This year I want to be more conscious about the waste that I produce and buy less packaged goods.
I’m going to another poetry event tonight, I like the way this week is going. Want to befriend every poet I meet.
I wish my life could just be eating out and going to poetry readings and writing about it all.
I want to be more proactive with my health this year – better eating and better exercising. More plant based foods and more movement in general.
When my reminder came up on my phone to write a post for today, I started thinking about how great it is that I’ve maintained this for 156 days. One hundred and fifty six. I thought about those first posts and where I was then, how wrecked I felt, with nothing left to be destroyed. And now, 156 days later, I’ve built new foundations from the rubble and each day I get higher and further away from the bits and pieces of the devastation.
In the last 156 days I’ve found happiness again, and learned to value both the exciting and mundane in life. I started dating someone new who cares about me, and who I really care about and makes me feel giddy like a teenager. Most of all, I have deepened friendships with my closest lady friends and that’s the most beautiful thing to come from this. They helped me put my heart back together.
I was still a little annoyed when I saw O today and less chatty than usual because all I kept thinking about/ obsessing over was whether or not I should bring it up with him. Eventually I did – I said that I was annoyed with him yesterday, and he asked why. I said that because he was hard to make plans with and he said yeah, that is true and apologised. Then I asked if he was actually just bad at making plans or if it’s that he doesn’t want to see me. He said that he was just bad at planning.
So that’s good I guess! He’s just bad at organising. Glad it’s not because he doesn’t like me 🙂
He text me after I left suggesting days we could hang out this week and said that he wants to try being more organised. Now I feel bad that I’ve made him feel bad.
Ugh, so much emotional labour! I hate that I can never just experience my own feelings, and I have to take on the way I make other people feel as well.