One Five Nine

I’m going to another poetry event tonight, I like the way this week is going. Want to befriend every poet I meet.

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One Five Six

When my reminder came up on my phone to write a post for today, I started thinking about how great it is that I’ve maintained this for 156 days. One hundred and fifty six. I thought about those first posts and where I was then, how wrecked I felt, with nothing left to be destroyed. And now, 156 days later, I’ve built new foundations from the rubble and each day I get higher and further away from the bits and pieces of the devastation.

In the last 156 days I’ve found happiness again, and learned to value both the exciting and mundane in life. I started dating someone new who cares about me, and who I really care about and makes me feel giddy like a teenager. Most of all, I have deepened friendships with my closest lady friends and that’s the most beautiful thing to come from this. They helped me put my heart back together.

One Five Five

I was still a little annoyed when I saw O today and less chatty than usual because all I kept thinking about/ obsessing over was whether or not I should bring it up with him. Eventually I did – I said that I was annoyed with him yesterday, and he asked why. I said that because he was hard to make plans with and he said yeah, that is true and apologised. Then I asked if he was actually just bad at making plans or if it’s that he doesn’t want to see me. He said that he was just bad at planning.

So that’s good I guess! He’s just bad at organising. Glad it’s not because he doesn’t like me 🙂

He text me after I left suggesting days we could hang out this week and said that he wants to try being more organised. Now I feel bad that I’ve made him feel bad.

Ugh, so much emotional labour! I hate that I can never just experience my own feelings, and I have to take on the way I make other people feel as well.

One Five Four

Today O and I were meant to see each other and it didn’t end up happening and now I’m wondering if it’s because he is genuinely too relaxed when it comes to organising things… or if it’s because he’s actually not interested.

On Thursday night before he went home, we said that we’d see each other today and he said – “sometime after lunch?”. So today after lunch I text him to try suss something. He was slow at replying and after a few texts I didn’t hear from him for a couple of hours. I’m trying to be cool about this and see it as a miscommunication/ misinterpretation – I thought it would be some time in the afternoon that we would hang out, and he probably thought it was just loose plans?

When it neared 5 and I hadn’t heard back from him, I text him again asking if he was still keen to do something or if I should make other plans. He replied saying that he was still keen, just got caught up with a board game and for me to come over for dinner. Before I replied, he sent another text saying that a friend from out of town had come over unexpectedly and for me to go ahead and make other plans if I had options, then suggested ideas for other things we could do later in the week. I told him to go ahead and hang out with his friend.

He replied saying that his friend wasn’t actually going to be free until 10 so I could hang out with him until then. That really pissed me off, I don’t like being a placeholder. I said no, that I would stay where I was. His reply said for me to let him know when I was free during the week or if I would want to hang tomorrow after church. I’m not entirely in the mood to see him but I said yes to tomorrow in the hopes that I’ll feel better by then?

I can understand that things come up (friends visiting, etc) and that it makes sense to prioritise that, but the way he goes about organising things really frustrates me and I honestly don’t know if that’s all it is – just a difference in attitude towards planning – or if it’s that he doesn’t like me.

The other hard thing is feeling this frustration but not feeling validated in it to be able to have a conversation with him about it. I’m scared of those words that society has created for girls – nagging, bossy, controlling. I don’t want to be labelled with any of those but at the same time, I need some indication of timing because that is the way I like to plan out my days. I kept my afternoon and evening free because I thought I was seeing him.

Alongside the frustration I feel is also embarrassment. Embarrassment because this has affected me in the first place. I don’t want to be upset over this, I want to be casual and chill about it. I don’t want to give more reasons for society to perpetuate the crazy girlfriend stereotype, you know – the one who keeps her man on a leash.

Probably I’m also just feeling a little passed over for something else, and the frustration is a reaction to a fear of being rejected. The not knowing if this is how he is, or if it’s how he is with me, because he’s indifferent to whether he spends time with me, scares me a lot. Maybe if I knew that he does like me and wants to spend time with me, that he’s just bad at planning, then some of the frustration would be alleviated?