Fifty Four

I’ve been going through my children’s literature texts and the pages that I’ve marked for juicy content and I find that the same stuff keeps cropping up.

Do the things that catch our eye, the things that we notice, reflect our inner state? Or have I just internalised what I’ve been taught in class and now identifying examples to support those ideas?

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Fifty Two

Tonight we had a meeting for church and were discussing doing a Christmas lunch thing. It was brought up about whether or not we should invite partners. I realised then that I was the only one without a partner and instantly dreaded the idea of going to a lunch where I would be 13th wheel.

Is this my life now? Will I just be that single person in a sea of couples?

I text B today and ended things, said that I didn’t feel chemistry with us and wanted to be clear on my front that I didn’t really see us as more than friends. He responded well (better than A anyway, who said he thought he was in love with me) ((what the actual fuck aye)) and said he felt the same.

I do nay like being in this space – caught between not wanting to be single but not having any viable options.

Fifty One

How many people do you think you can have chemistry with?

I saw B today – third time – and I don’t think I’ll see him again. There’s just nothing there, nothing to spark and turn into fireworks.

But maybe this is all there is left?! Maybe all the guys I could have had fireworks with are already taken and now I just need to make my peace with the best of the dregs… great…

Fifty

This morning when I woke up, I lay awake for a while and started singing in my head “Your Love is Strong” by Jon Foreman. It was the song I played at my baptism and the first time in a long time that I had thought about it.

So I got up, fired up the old lappy, searched for Jon Foreman on Spotify, chucked on my good headphones and listened to that song. I really love listening to music through good headphones and doing nothing else, just concentrating on the sounds that come through into your ears.

I played that song, and then I played “The House of God Forever” which was also played at my baptism. There’s a part in it that says – Your shepherd’s staff / Comforts me – and in that moment, as the song played those lines, I felt God say to me “I know where we’re going”.

The last several months have seen some of the hardest minutes, hours, days, weeks, that I’ve ever experienced. One of the side effects of grief is being ripped away from a life that you thought was safe, that you could rely on, a life that you thought you were in control of. I’ve never felt so lost as I have this year, never felt this deep lack of purpose and meaning in my life.

Now I feel like it’s going to be okay. Because even if I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing with my life, that nothing I do will ever amount to anything, it’s okay. It’s okay because God knows where we’re going.

Forty Nine

Went to see the Wellington Phoenix play tonight. There was a time in my life when I had a few consecutive season passes and would never miss a game. I think of who I was then, and how much I’ve changed, how far I’ve come. It’s bizarre, thinking back on then and feeling like that person was a stranger. It’s even more bizarre, thinking about who I’ll become in the future, and wondering if the person I am now will be a stranger to them too.