Three Five One

I spoke to O today about the way that I’ve been feeling, explaining how birthdays and celebrations are important to me, as are words of affirmation, and also asked him to let me in more, and to open up more about his thoughts and feelings. He took it all really well. At first, he was a little teary eyed – I think he may have thought I was going to break up with him, which was a sweet response and I made sure to tell him before I left that I wasn’t mad at him, and that I really care about him. He apologised for not making an effort with my birthday, and said he would try more with the words and also opening up. I’m really glad I talked to him. I know that he never means anything by the things he does or doesn’t do, that it’s just a learning thing because I am his longest relationship.

I think it was a good conversation, I felt heard and my feelings acknowledged. I hope I communicated in a way that made space for dialogue too. The way he responded says that he’s committed to making this work, and I love him all the more for that.

Three Four Six

O invited me to dinner then passively retracted his offer by telling me how tired he was, and how he needed an early night etc etc. I wish he wouldn’t do that- change his mind on me. Is it that he just suddenly realised he was tired? I get that sometimes. Or is it that he suddenly realised he doesn’t want to see me? I hope it’s not that.

Either way, I wish that he would be upfront and honest about what he wants and not make me vocalise it.

Three Zero Five

Relationships are really hard sometimes. Right now I’m feeling mad and rejected because I don’t feel like O has made much of an effort to see me this week. I feel like I keep coming back around to this same issue of not being affirmed in our relationship. I don’t know if this is a reflection of him and his energy levels or something, or if it’s a reflection of the way he feels about me. And it’s that unknowing that worries me.

I thought I saw a ghost today. Walking back to my car, I thought I saw J sitting at a table outside a cafe. I can’t be sure because I didn’t let my glance linger long but I felt a familiar visceral reaction through my body and it’s that reaction which makes me think that it’s more likely to have been him than not. Funny how your body remembers before your mind is cognisant. It knows without having to be told.

When I feel the way that I do right now about O and us, it’s hard not to compare to an earlier time, a past love. I know that I was more hurt than loved in everything that happened with J, but he was a good boyfriend while we were together. He was affirming and caring and attentive. It’s hard to have experienced a relationship where we spoke the same love language, to then go to one where I’m constantly having to translate and bridge the gaps between us. It’s not impossible, just more effort.

Three Zero One

O met my parents for the first time today. I was super anxious about it, imagining the awkwardness of it, the gaps in communication and culture. It was fine. It was absolutely fine. Conversation flowed, we laughed and talked like familiar people do. It was so seamless and natural. I am so glad and relieved.

I don’t give my parents enough credit. In my mind, their English isn’t at a level where they can hold conversation but in reality, this isn’t true at all. They are perfectly capable of holding conversation and engaging with other people. I’ve really underestimated them.

Two Four Two

At lunch with O today, I asked him – do you still like me? He nodded and reached across the table to hold my hands. I told him that recently it felt like he didn’t want to spend that much time with me. He told me that he’d just been feeling really tired. I said I could understand that, and that’s where the conversation ended.

I know that this conversation doesn’t sound like much but I do believe him, and maybe that willingness to trust will come back as gullibility and bite me one day, but what can you do really? I think in relationships you have to trust that the other person is being honest with you.

What I’m learning is that he is an introvert and that because of this, he operates vastly different to me. I am an extrovert, I really like spending time with people and I make room in my life for this. With O, I think he enjoys his own time and the limited energy he has is usually taken over by his flatmates because they’re always there, in his space.

To be honest, we are each other’s longest relationships and neither of us really know what we’re doing. I want him to be more communicative but the reality is that he’s still learning the ropes of what it means to be in a meaningful relationship too, so there’s gotta be grace for that, just as there needs to be grace for things that I do which I’m still learning.

At the moment, I know that he still likes me, that he still wants to spend time with me, and that’s enough for now.

Two Four One

Today has been less productive… and more anxiety filled instead.

It’s the same stuff – I feel like O isn’t making much of an effort to see me, doesn’t seem to be that bothered about it, which makes me feel shit and wonder if he’s losing interest, I project that fear and the insidious cycle continues. Talking about it with my counsellor today, I know that I need to just talk to him about it but I’m terrified that he’ll confirm my fears. It’s happened before. A few years ago, I was seeing this guy and felt him become more apathetic and blasé about us. When I brought it up with him, he said “oh yeah, I think you’re right”. Dingus, didn’t even know his own feelings until I told him.

What if the same happens this time? I don’t want me and O to come to an end 😦

I did bring it up briefly with O today (over text though, so doesn’t feel like a proper conversation). I said that I felt like we hardly saw each other anymore (it’s true, we only see each other once or twice a week at the moment). He replied saying that he knows he’s been pretty useless and he’s sorry about that, something about not sleeping well making him tired.

I hope he’s being honest. I’m scared he’s not.

I like him a lot, and I’m so terrified that he doesn’t feel the same way.

Is it better to live in ignorance and this continuous anxiety around whether or not he still likes me? Or is it better to know the truth, for better or worse?

Two One Five

Two things are on my mind tonight.

  1. G told me she saw J in town today, with a girl. When she told me, I felt a jolt run through me. It wasn’t pain, but it definitely stirred up some old uneasy emotions. I’m glad she told me though. Initially, I found myself wanting to know all the details – where they were, what they were doing, how they were with each other. But I didn’t ask G to elaborate because probably a part of me knew that none of this mattered anymore. And sure enough, the more I thought about it, the more I found myself becoming indifferent. I have fondness for the time we had together, and I’m realising now that it is possible to have good memories with someone who was bad for you. Knowing that he’s still around here though, makes me anxious about running into him. Just hearing about him through G, I felt myself react, I can only imagine how jarring it will be if I come face to face.
  2. O text me today to make plans for next week when he’s back 🙂 I think that means he heard and understood me yesterday and I’m so so appreciative of that. He listens and cares about my needs! He changes! It makes my heart so happy. He makes my heart so happy. I am extremely glad for him in my life. Extremely glad.