I spoke to O today about the way that I’ve been feeling, explaining how birthdays and celebrations are important to me, as are words of affirmation, and also asked him to let me in more, and to open up more about his thoughts and feelings. He took it all really well. At first, he was a little teary eyed – I think he may have thought I was going to break up with him, which was a sweet response and I made sure to tell him before I left that I wasn’t mad at him, and that I really care about him. He apologised for not making an effort with my birthday, and said he would try more with the words and also opening up. I’m really glad I talked to him. I know that he never means anything by the things he does or doesn’t do, that it’s just a learning thing because I am his longest relationship.
I think it was a good conversation, I felt heard and my feelings acknowledged. I hope I communicated in a way that made space for dialogue too. The way he responded says that he’s committed to making this work, and I love him all the more for that.
O invited me to dinner then passively retracted his offer by telling me how tired he was, and how he needed an early night etc etc. I wish he wouldn’t do that- change his mind on me. Is it that he just suddenly realised he was tired? I get that sometimes. Or is it that he suddenly realised he doesn’t want to see me? I hope it’s not that.
Either way, I wish that he would be upfront and honest about what he wants and not make me vocalise it.
I really love O. I feel the emotion rise with intensity whenever I’m with him. He hasn’t said it back yet and I’m really not bothered because I know he does things in his own time but I don’t want to overwhelm him with the pace of mine. So I’ll keep catching these words that I want to say. He knows how I feel and that’s enough for now.
I wish I could read my boyfriend’s mind. He messages me consistently during the day and it all feels fairly normal.. but then he doesn’t initiate plans for us to spend time together. What is he thinking?
Relationships are really hard sometimes. Right now I’m feeling mad and rejected because I don’t feel like O has made much of an effort to see me this week. I feel like I keep coming back around to this same issue of not being affirmed in our relationship. I don’t know if this is a reflection of him and his energy levels or something, or if it’s a reflection of the way he feels about me. And it’s that unknowing that worries me.
I thought I saw a ghost today. Walking back to my car, I thought I saw J sitting at a table outside a cafe. I can’t be sure because I didn’t let my glance linger long but I felt a familiar visceral reaction through my body and it’s that reaction which makes me think that it’s more likely to have been him than not. Funny how your body remembers before your mind is cognisant. It knows without having to be told.
When I feel the way that I do right now about O and us, it’s hard not to compare to an earlier time, a past love. I know that I was more hurt than loved in everything that happened with J, but he was a good boyfriend while we were together. He was affirming and caring and attentive. It’s hard to have experienced a relationship where we spoke the same love language, to then go to one where I’m constantly having to translate and bridge the gaps between us. It’s not impossible, just more effort.
O met my parents for the first time today. I was super anxious about it, imagining the awkwardness of it, the gaps in communication and culture. It was fine. It was absolutely fine. Conversation flowed, we laughed and talked like familiar people do. It was so seamless and natural. I am so glad and relieved.
I don’t give my parents enough credit. In my mind, their English isn’t at a level where they can hold conversation but in reality, this isn’t true at all. They are perfectly capable of holding conversation and engaging with other people. I’ve really underestimated them.
Communication is tricky sometimes. Almost would be easier if I could read minds.