I told O that I loved him last night. It was the first time I had ever said those words out loud to a boy and it wasn’t as revolutionary as I thought it would be. I’m not sure what I expected, maybe the slightest feeling like something would change in me? That my life would tilt in another direction? I don’t know. I think that might be the internalised misogynistic narratives playing in my head again, the same thread of thought that connects my life’s value and purpose to finding love in a boy. I felt exactly as I did before saying those three words. It felt natural and true.
He said he wasn’t ready to say those words yet. I told him that was totally okay. Then we went to sleep.
I’ve thought a lot about how I felt about him and whether or not to say anything in the recent wee while, pretty much since I realised and told him I thought I was falling in love with him. I don’t have a lot of experience with romantic love, but from what I know about other forms of love, I know that it’s freely given and comes with no strings attached. So it really doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t feel the same way yet. “I love you” means I love you in the present, in who you are and who we are.
I wish I could read my boyfriend’s mind. He messages me consistently during the day and it all feels fairly normal.. but then he doesn’t initiate plans for us to spend time together. What is he thinking?
Watching Friends with my friends and my boyf, life is so good 😊
Remembered in the middle of the night last night that I missed my thought of the day. So here we are! I like having a boyfriend who will take me to the airport early in the morning 🙂
Yesterday was a great day- I got my reading report back for Postcolonial Lit (the one which I wrote realism on). I got an A 😀 good grades always validate my raison d’être for uni. I breathe a sigh of relief each time I see an A on my papers. I feel justified that if I’ve paid lots of money to pursue something I’m interested in, at least it’s something that I’m good at. I guess it feels like a more worthy investment? But then maybe there are also merits and value in receiving poor feedback and poor grades.
The other great thing about this week is that I’ve made my first uni friend since I started back last year. She’s in my two classes and one of my tutorials. We kept bumping into each other and then both turned up to the Bad Feminists Club. We got chatting and are now planning on hanging out! It’s a weird thing being an adult and making friends. It’s not as simple as being at school or church where you’re lumped with a group of people who you spend days and days with, so friendships naturally form. When you’re an adult, you need to do more than just show up, it takes more effort. You talk to someone new and think ‘hey, you’re cool, I’m cool, let’s hang out’, but there are social intricacies to the way that’s communicated so as to not come across too strange or weird. Anyway, I’m just glad to have a uni friend finally! Yay.
O and I became boyfriend and girlfriend officially today 🙂
I feel excited that I finally have a title for what we are, even though in reality nothing’s changed. There’s just something about being official that makes me feel more asserted in our relationship and I don’t know, more assured of his commitment levels?