Fifty Three

It’s hard to know if guys on Bumble are just keen for a tap and gap, or if they’re serious.

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Fifty Two

Tonight we had a meeting for church and were discussing doing a Christmas lunch thing. It was brought up about whether or not we should invite partners. I realised then that I was the only one without a partner and instantly dreaded the idea of going to a lunch where I would be 13th wheel.

Is this my life now? Will I just be that single person in a sea of couples?

I text B today and ended things, said that I didn’t feel chemistry with us and wanted to be clear on my front that I didn’t really see us as more than friends. He responded well (better than A anyway, who said he thought he was in love with me) ((what the actual fuck aye)) and said he felt the same.

I do nay like being in this space – caught between not wanting to be single but not having any viable options.

Fifty One

How many people do you think you can have chemistry with?

I saw B today – third time – and I don’t think I’ll see him again. There’s just nothing there, nothing to spark and turn into fireworks.

But maybe this is all there is left?! Maybe all the guys I could have had fireworks with are already taken and now I just need to make my peace with the best of the dregs… great…

Forty Five

I’ve been thinking a lot about the way that dating should be – should it be all fire from the beginning? Or should it be a slower burn?

With J it was all sparks and fireworks from the get go. Because of this, I keep being underwhelmed by these dates I’ve been going on recently. They just don’t compare.

But maybe it’s okay to have a slower burn, maybe sometimes it just takes a bit longer to get to that level of familiarity and comfort. Maybe a slower burn will last.

At the same time, chemistry is so important to me in a relationship and if it’s not there from the beginning, I’m doubtful as to whether it will ever come. Ugh I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s that there’s no chemistry or if it’s that I’m not interested in anyone who’s not him. No. I don’t want to be with him anymore. I have to keep reminding myself of that. There will be someone else, we will set each other on fire, and we will be better matched than I was with him.

Forty Four

I had a lunch date today and it went well… but.

I live with a lot of buts these days. Every good thing comes with a disclaimer. I know what comes after the but – I feel it lingering, clouding, hovering. I don’t want to acknowledge it because it won’t change anything, will only encourage it to stay when it’s already been here for too long.

So I’ll keep ignoring it, turning my face away from it, keep pushing the buts out of my head. Maybe one day they’ll realise they’re not welcome here anymore and leave.

Thirty One

I’m talking to some guys on Bumble and while I can find it exciting, getting to know new people sometimes, there are lots of times like right now when it makes me feel exhausted. I hate that I’ve had to start again, when I just want to be back in that place where I’m known and seen.

I miss being with someone who knows me and understands me. I miss being with someone who sees my heart and knows my hopes and dreams. I miss conversations that go beyond that friendly politeness and small talk about who we are, what we do. How much can you express in words anyway, people are more felt than they are defined.

I miss him.

No, I miss the connection we had, the depth of it.

I will have that again, I have to keep telling myself, even when it feels difficult to believe. I have to believe that I will make connections of substance again in the future.

Eighteen

This morning, on the drive to work, I saw him. He crossed the road, right in front of my car.

How is it that I don’t see him for 3 months and then in the space of a few days, I see him twice?!

It made me so mad, seeing him carrying on with his life, so carefree, while I’m here trying to untangle myself from the rejection and hurt and betrayal. He should be carrying this, not me.

Anyway, I made an angry Spotify playlist and have been listening to it on repeat. It’s very helpful.

I have two dates coming up – one tomorrow and one the following day. After I realised I didn’t want him anymore, I went back onto Bumble and here we are. I don’t feel the same excitement for these guys as I did for him but I guess it won’t always start the same way, and maybe this is a good thing? I was so excited about him, but that’s because he was so fucking charming, and I’m starting to realise that that’s not always a good thing. The charm – that’s how they get you. Maybe less charm this time will be good.