One Two Zero

Last night I stayed over at O’s place. Fuck, it is nice to be in the same bed as someone again, to be cuddled and held. His beard gave me a bit of a pash rash and I had to make up an allergy excuse for why my mouth area was so red to my family today. I really like him, and I’m going to miss him a lot when I go overseas next weekend!

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One One One

Had the chat with O tonight, it went well, he called me a unicorn haha. I’m still unsure how I feel about him. There are times when I do think that I like him but I’m not sure and it’s that lack of certainty that concerns me. Does it mean that I actually don’t like him? Or that my feelings are just taking longer to manifest than what I’m used to? And if so, is that a bad thing?

One Zero Three

It’s hard juggling dating and maintaining friendships. I feel like I’m choosing between the two and every time I make plans with O, it’s like I’m disappointing friends by not hanging out with them.

Maybe I just feel like that because that’s how I would feel if the roles were reversed. But this is how it is – when you spend time with someone, the opportunity cost is spending time with someone else. I don’t need to feel guilty for that, and I also shouldn’t make my friends feel guilty for that when they’re dating people too. Shifting dynamics aye, it’s tough.

One Zero Two

O came over tonight for dinner and hangs with me and the flatmates (aka my closest friends). I find that I’m super self conscious about what my friends think of guys I’m seeing. Maybe it’s that I’m not entirely sure what I think of them myself, so knowing someone else’s opinion might sway me a certain way. Maybe it’s also that I believe what they think of them is a reflection on me.

Anyway, I think it went well tonight. O seemed to get along with everyone and hold conversation which is good! I think it’s just especially hard because J was so good at winning people over. I had no doubts that my flatmates would love him but then again, look how that turned out. He is charming and easy to love because of it, but that only goes so far. My flatmates definitely do not like him anymore.

I guess the most important thing is thatΒ IΒ like O, and as long as there aren’t any red flags, and he makes me happy, then my friends will like him too.

One Hundred

WOW – 100 posts. That makes me quite excited!

I spent tonight with O – he cooked dinner for us and then we watched some movies. It’s hard to not compare him with J. There was such a strong attraction with J that I haven’t found with O yet. I don’t know if that means it’s a lesser connection? Or maybe it will be something that grows with time?

It’s past midnight now so, technically, Christmas! Meri kirihimete all πŸ™‚

Ninety Nine

Attention all.

I held hands with a boy today πŸ™‚

It was O, the one I mentioned in an earlier post. We went for a walk after having lunch together and ended up on the roof of a boat shed by the water. Lying side by side, we talked about our childhoods and the cheeky antics we got up to, the books we were reading, anything really.

There’s something exciting about all those firsts with someone – the first reach of the hand, interlocking fingers and later, the first kiss, the first sleepover. Every time I revisit the memory of us lying there, him tentatively taking my hand into his, I feel that flutter of the heart, and it probably won’t be long before these feelings take flight.

It’s moving a lot slower this time than it did with J and, honestly, I’m enjoying it. With J everything followed in such quick succession that I was swept up in the hurricane of it all but with O, I have the time to relish in each newness. I get to enjoy just holding hands for now, and soaking in this moment of having a crush on a boy. I feel like the slower pace is good for building a better foundation.

I don’t know where this will go, but I’m excited to find out. I’m excited to be excited about someone else. When I first started this blog, I was so heartbroken and devastated by loss that a day like today seemed totally unattainable. But here I am πŸ™‚