One Two Two

I’m scared of the silent spaces in conversations. I think that they mean a lack of chemistry, that the other person is bored of me, or that I’m bored of them. But I know that’s not true. There are silences in conversations with all sorts of friends – old and new – and they don’t mean that we don’t have chemistry, just that we’re maybe a little tired that day, or we don’t have much to say. And that is fine. It’s fine, and it’s normal to have times in conversations where no one says anything. It would be exhausting to have relationships where you talked all the time. Silences are like wee resting points.

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One One One

Had the chat with O tonight, it went well, he called me a unicorn haha. I’m still unsure how I feel about him. There are times when I do think that I like him but I’m not sure and it’s that lack of certainty that concerns me. Does it mean that I actually don’t like him? Or that my feelings are just taking longer to manifest than what I’m used to? And if so, is that a bad thing?

One One Zero

I’m seeing O for dinner on Friday night and he’s just asked if I want to stick around for breakfast on Saturday.

I knew that eventually we would have to have this conversation and I would have to explain to him that while I don’t believe anymore that sex is for marriage, it does mean that I have never had sex.

The rational part of my brain tells me that he hasn’t asked for anything more than just staying over, that I do have experience with some sex stuff so it’s not that I’m completely new to it, and that there is a high chance he will be cool about my history, but there is also a tiny bit in my brain that is scared he’ll reject me for this. And if he does, then it probably means he’s not someone that I want to be with.

I can reason with myself and these insecurities but I still feel a nagging shame about being so sexually inexperienced. Sigh, I can’t win. Either you feel like a prude because you’re not putting out enough or you feel like a slut because you put out too much.

One Zero Three

It’s hard juggling dating and maintaining friendships. I feel like I’m choosing between the two and every time I make plans with O, it’s like I’m disappointing friends by not hanging out with them.

Maybe I just feel like that because that’s how I would feel if the roles were reversed. But this is how it is – when you spend time with someone, the opportunity cost is spending time with someone else. I don’t need to feel guilty for that, and I also shouldn’t make my friends feel guilty for that when they’re dating people too. Shifting dynamics aye, it’s tough.

One Zero Two

O came over tonight for dinner and hangs with me and the flatmates (aka my closest friends). I find that I’m super self conscious about what my friends think of guys I’m seeing. Maybe it’s that I’m not entirely sure what I think of them myself, so knowing someone else’s opinion might sway me a certain way. Maybe it’s also that I believe what they think of them is a reflection on me.

Anyway, I think it went well tonight. O seemed to get along with everyone and hold conversation which is good! I think it’s just especially hard because J was so good at winning people over. I had no doubts that my flatmates would love him but then again, look how that turned out. He is charming and easy to love because of it, but that only goes so far. My flatmates definitely do not like him anymore.

I guess the most important thing is that like O, and as long as there aren’t any red flags, and he makes me happy, then my friends will like him too.

Ninety Nine

Attention all.

I held hands with a boy today 🙂

It was O, the one I mentioned in an earlier post. We went for a walk after having lunch together and ended up on the roof of a boat shed by the water. Lying side by side, we talked about our childhoods and the cheeky antics we got up to, the books we were reading, anything really.

There’s something exciting about all those firsts with someone – the first reach of the hand, interlocking fingers and later, the first kiss, the first sleepover. Every time I revisit the memory of us lying there, him tentatively taking my hand into his, I feel that flutter of the heart, and it probably won’t be long before these feelings take flight.

It’s moving a lot slower this time than it did with J and, honestly, I’m enjoying it. With J everything followed in such quick succession that I was swept up in the hurricane of it all but with O, I have the time to relish in each newness. I get to enjoy just holding hands for now, and soaking in this moment of having a crush on a boy. I feel like the slower pace is good for building a better foundation.

I don’t know where this will go, but I’m excited to find out. I’m excited to be excited about someone else. When I first started this blog, I was so heartbroken and devastated by loss that a day like today seemed totally unattainable. But here I am 🙂

Ninety Four

I’ve started seeing a new boy. It’s still really early days (we’ve only hung out three times so far) but today, for the first time since J, I thought to myself – yeah, I can do this again.

I’m a little excited, but mostly scared and apprehensive. With heartbreak comes wariness which can almost generate a self-fulfilling prophecy for rejection. I’m afraid of being heartbroken again so I find that I’m more reserved than I normally am, or was. I think that by controlling which parts I hold back, and which parts I slowly release, I can control my emotions and feelings, that I can protect my heart. But I also know that in doing this, I’m not giving O a good chance to know me, which is what I desire in the first place. I want to be known, and I miss being known, but the last guy who knew me, didn’t want me. I’m scared of that happening again.