Three Zero Five

Relationships are really hard sometimes. Right now I’m feeling mad and rejected because I don’t feel like O has made much of an effort to see me this week. I feel like I keep coming back around to this same issue of not being affirmed in our relationship. I don’t know if this is a reflection of him and his energy levels or something, or if it’s a reflection of the way he feels about me. And it’s that unknowing that worries me.

I thought I saw a ghost today. Walking back to my car, I thought I saw J sitting at a table outside a cafe. I can’t be sure because I didn’t let my glance linger long but I felt a familiar visceral reaction through my body and it’s that reaction which makes me think that it’s more likely to have been him than not. Funny how your body remembers before your mind is cognisant. It knows without having to be told.

When I feel the way that I do right now about O and us, it’s hard not to compare to an earlier time, a past love. I know that I was more hurt than loved in everything that happened with J, but he was a good boyfriend while we were together. He was affirming and caring and attentive. It’s hard to have experienced a relationship where we spoke the same love language, to then go to one where I’m constantly having to translate and bridge the gaps between us. It’s not impossible, just more effort.

Two One Three

The anxiety with O continues.

I was hoping that he would initiate something today but he didn’t. I didn’t want to not initiate anything just to prove a point because I do want to see him, so in one of my replies I asked what his week was looking like and that I’d like to see him before he goes away.

From that, we had planned to hang out tomorrow night but as it turns out now, he’s made plans for tomorrow night so we’re doing lunch instead.

I’m so scared that this is him losing interest, that his lack of initiation indicates indifference. I want him to want to see me, and to make space for me in his life.

I know that I need to talk to him about this, because I can’t make myself feel better by obsessing and thinking about it. But how do I do that without coming across as nagging or needy?!

One of my best friends reminded me today, when I vented to her about this, that one of my love languages is words of affirmation and that’s why I’m struggling so much. I don’t feel loved by him because I’m not getting affirmation that he cares about me. My other big love language is quality time and I’m not getting any of that either. But what are his? Surely they have to be words of affirmation and quality time to a certain extent?

I’m scared to probe, because what if he confirms my fears? It’s happened before with one of my exes, it could happen again. I’m really scared.