Isn’t it so bizarre and beautiful how we can experience different emotions simultaneously? Last night it was my birthday BYO and also at the same time, O and I were not in a good place in our relationship. But somehow, even though I spent most of the afternoon crying, I was still able to go to the BYO AND have a really great time despite O also being there. Sad about our relationship, and really deeply happy about spending time with great friends.
I’ve been doing a lot of remembering lately.
This time last year, I was with J and couldn’t have dreamed that a relationship could be so fulfilling, make me so intensely happy. I live in this past in my memories with the knowledge that the end is also near. We broke up in a week’s time, last year. The happiness I remember in my memory is tainted with the knowing that heartbreak is just around the corner, that that happiness won’t last. The last month I’ve been remembering, living in a tension of then and now, then and now.
It makes me wonder if I would want to know the future, or if that would just ruin the present. I think that I would opt for ignorance. I don’t think we would ever start anything if we knew that it would end, the heartbreak that would ensue.
The sad reality is that everything will eventually end, but we have to live as if it won’t. We all live with a blindness that makes our existence more comfortable.