Seventy Four

I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before but I write under a pseudonym – Scout Price. Sometimes I wonder if I should write under my real name, or if it really matters at all.

I recently started following Caroline Calloway and today I was looking through her old posts and read in awe as she described her past relationships. It’s really brave to lay it all out like that and let the world into your life. Vulnerability can bring intimacy and draw you closer to your audience but also opens you to the possibility of deep hurt, if people don’t respond with love. I guess that’s the risk you run, and you have to take them both or none at all.

Scout Price is the combination of the characters that I’ve related to the most in books I’ve read – Scout Finch and the Price family in The Poisonwood Bible. I don’t write under a pseudonym because I have something to hide but it does make me feel freer to express my mind. Scout is the stripped back, raw version of myself, but all the time. She is never not honest and isn’t inhibited by the ordinary hum drum of life. Maybe one day I’ll write under my real name but until then, this is your gal – Scout.


Twenty Two

What is it about pain that makes us push away people who love us?

I’ve been keeping my family and my church at a distance because I don’t want them to see my pain. Now I think I’ve been doing the same with God too.

There’s just something so vulnerable about people who love you, seeing you in pain. You can’t hide your true feelings from people who know you. I don’t want them to worry for me, or try to fix me, or be pained seeing me in pain you know?

Why do I self-sabotage when I’m in the most need?

I need all that love, to fill the parts that were ripped out.