Tonight we had a meeting for church and were discussing doing a Christmas lunch thing. It was brought up about whether or not we should invite partners. I realised then that I was the only one without a partner and instantly dreaded the idea of going to a lunch where I would be 13th wheel.

Is this my life now? Will I just be that single person in a sea of couples?

I text B today and ended things, said that I didn’t feel chemistry with us and wanted to be clear on my front that I didn’t really see us as more than friends. He responded well (better than A anyway, who said he thought he was in love with me) ((what the actual fuck aye)) and said he felt the same.

I do nay like being in this space – caught between not wanting to be single but not having any viable options.