There really is nothing like a friend you’ve known for a long time. What can beat history? It’s the falling into the same rhythms, the collective remembering of old times, the matured knowledge of one another. They see the present you, know the old you and understand both. The past informs the present, provides a context that only those who were there then, can use now. It’s the weaving of the timelines in a way that makes it feel like all the tenses exist in the present. It’s incredible.
Gah, I actually saw J today. I was sitting in the window seat at a cafe, drinking my coffee when he walked by. We made eye contact so I’m pretty sure he saw me too, then I looked away before we acknowledged each other.
I feel… okay? This is what I text my friend earlier today-
…It was strange, I felt a dissociation between my present self and my past self. I felt surprised and a slight tinge of sadness but I don’t think those are present feelings. It’s like my present self is empathising with a past self or like my body was reverting to an old habit of feeling that way towards him. When I saw him I thought he looked very ordinary, like any other human being walking down the road but it’s the knowing he wasn’t an ordinary person to me at some stage in my past that I’m sad for.
So this is where I’m at. My present self is okay. I know that all I’m feeling are just remnants of what I once felt but that’s still sad, remembering how much I loved him and how deeply I felt that loss. I’m in a different place now, I don’t love him anymore. That’s good! That’s growth.