Two Three Four

Gah, I actually saw J today. I was sitting in the window seat at a cafe, drinking my coffee when he walked by. We made eye contact so I’m pretty sure he saw me too, then I looked away before we acknowledged each other.

I feel… okay? This is what I text my friend earlier today-

…It was strange, I felt a dissociation between my present self and my past self. I felt surprised and a slight tinge of sadness but I don’t think those are present feelings. It’s like my present self is empathising with a past self or like my body was reverting to an old habit of feeling that way towards him. When I saw him I thought he looked very ordinary, like any other human being walking down the road but it’s the knowing he wasn’t an ordinary person to me at some stage in my past that I’m sad for.

So this is where I’m at. My present self is okay. I know that all I’m feeling are just remnants of what I once felt but that’s still sad, remembering how much I loved him and how deeply I felt that loss. I’m in a different place now, I don’t love him anymore. That’s good! That’s growth.

Thirty Two

I started pottery classes today. It was a lot of fun working with the wheel and being able to create something with my hands.

The only problem is – I went into a bit of a funk afterwards because there was someone that I wanted to share this with, and I couldn’t. I still want to share the new and exciting things in my life with him, and I can’t. He’s not that person for me anymore.

I think that’s why I’ve been missing him this week. On Monday, I did life drawing and today I did pottery. I’m doing this new stuff in my life, my life is changing from what he knew it to be, I’m changing from who he knew me to be, and it hurts a little, to leave us further in the past.