Fifty Three

It’s hard to know if guys on Bumble are just keen for a tap and gap, or if they’re serious.

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Thirty One

I’m talking to some guys on Bumble and while I can find it exciting, getting to know new people sometimes, there are lots of times like right now when it makes me feel exhausted. I hate that I’ve had to start again, when I just want to be back in that place where I’m known and seen.

I miss being with someone who knows me and understands me. I miss being with someone who sees my heart and knows my hopes and dreams. I miss conversations that go beyond that friendly politeness and small talk about who we are, what we do. How much can you express in words anyway, people are more felt than they are defined.

I miss him.

No, I miss the connection we had, the depth of it.

I will have that again, I have to keep telling myself, even when it feels difficult to believe. I have to believe that I will make connections of substance again in the future.

Eighteen

This morning, on the drive to work, I saw him. He crossed the road, right in front of my car.

How is it that I don’t see him for 3 months and then in the space of a few days, I see him twice?!

It made me so mad, seeing him carrying on with his life, so carefree, while I’m here trying to untangle myself from the rejection and hurt and betrayal. He should be carrying this, not me.

Anyway, I made an angry Spotify playlist and have been listening to it on repeat. It’s very helpful.

I have two dates coming up – one tomorrow and one the following day. After I realised I didn’t want him anymore, I went back onto Bumble and here we are. I don’t feel the same excitement for these guys as I did for him but I guess it won’t always start the same way, and maybe this is a good thing? I was so excited about him, but that’s because he was so fucking charming, and I’m starting to realise that that’s not always a good thing. The charm – that’s how they get you. Maybe less charm this time will be good.