Sixty Five

I had a drink with a guy after work today. It was the first time since J that I felt remotely excited/ nervous leading up to it. We had things in common and he was fast moving which I appreciated (not a fan of having conversations for weeks without any initiation of meeting in real life). Conversation was easy and flowed well but I sensed a reserved-ness about him. Then all was revealed.

He has just come out of a 6.5 year relationship. They were living together and had been for several years when one day she came home from work and told him that she wasn’t feeling it anymore. That was in August this year. It’s November now. So they’ve been broken up for 3 months. 3 months!

The fuck is he doing on Bumble.

I could be more understanding if he had done the breaking up, because it could have been a long time coming for him and in that case he probably had grieved and made his peace with the end of the relationship by the time the actual break up happened. But in this situation, he was the one who was blindsided, thought everything was going well and is probably (very likely) still processing the loss.

Did I mention they were engaged too? Yup – wedding was going to be in a few months time.

I know the pain of heartbreak all too well, and I could see that he did too. 6.5 years is a very long time to do life with someone. There’s so much history, you can’t just turn that off. I remember when J and I first broke up, I went back on Bumble too. I wanted that intimacy that was all of a sudden ripped away, I wanted to forge something new that would distract me from the loss that cut away at me. But the more dates I went on, the more I realised that I didn’t want intimacy if it wasn’t with him, that I needed to confront the loss and just be sad for a while. Maybe that’s the same with M, maybe he’s looking for something to plug the gaping wound when what he probably needs is to air out the wound and let it heal on its own.

Fuck, how awful would it be to lose a relationship of 6 something years. I can’t fathom that at all. But also, is this all who is left?! Boys who have been dumped or are non-committal or are really weird?!

This can’t be it… right?!?!?

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Thirty One

I’m talking to some guys on Bumble and while I can find it exciting, getting to know new people sometimes, there are lots of times like right now when it makes me feel exhausted. I hate that I’ve had to start again, when I just want to be back in that place where I’m known and seen.

I miss being with someone who knows me and understands me. I miss being with someone who sees my heart and knows my hopes and dreams. I miss conversations that go beyond that friendly politeness and small talk about who we are, what we do. How much can you express in words anyway, people are more felt than they are defined.

I miss him.

No, I miss the connection we had, the depth of it.

I will have that again, I have to keep telling myself, even when it feels difficult to believe. I have to believe that I will make connections of substance again in the future.

Eighteen

This morning, on the drive to work, I saw him. He crossed the road, right in front of my car.

How is it that I don’t see him for 3 months and then in the space of a few days, I see him twice?!

It made me so mad, seeing him carrying on with his life, so carefree, while I’m here trying to untangle myself from the rejection and hurt and betrayal. He should be carrying this, not me.

Anyway, I made an angry Spotify playlist and have been listening to it on repeat. It’s very helpful.

I have two dates coming up – one tomorrow and one the following day. After I realised I didn’t want him anymore, I went back onto Bumble and here we are. I don’t feel the same excitement for these guys as I did for him but I guess it won’t always start the same way, and maybe this is a good thing? I was so excited about him, but that’s because he was so fucking charming, and I’m starting to realise that that’s not always a good thing. The charm – that’s how they get you. Maybe less charm this time will be good.