One Zero Three

It’s hard juggling dating and maintaining friendships. I feel like I’m choosing between the two and every time I make plans with O, it’s like I’m disappointing friends by not hanging out with them.

Maybe I just feel like that because that’s how I would feel if the roles were reversed. But this is how it is – when you spend time with someone, the opportunity cost is spending time with someone else. I don’t need to feel guilty for that, and I also shouldn’t make my friends feel guilty for that when they’re dating people too. Shifting dynamics aye, it’s tough.

One Zero Two

O came over tonight for dinner and hangs with me and the flatmates (aka my closest friends). I find that I’m super self conscious about what my friends think of guys I’m seeing. Maybe it’s that I’m not entirely sure what I think of them myself, so knowing someone else’s opinion might sway me a certain way. Maybe it’s also that I believe what they think of them is a reflection on me.

Anyway, I think it went well tonight. O seemed to get along with everyone and hold conversation which is good! I think it’s just especially hard because J was so good at winning people over. I had no doubts that my flatmates would love him but then again, look how that turned out. He is charming and easy to love because of it, but that only goes so far. My flatmates definitely do not like him anymore.

I guess the most important thing is that I like O, and as long as there aren’t any red flags, and he makes me happy, then my friends will like him too.

One Zero One

Christmas is less exciting the older I grow. It’s nice to spend time with family but the dynamics change a bit and the day itself becomes more exhausting. Maybe it’ll be like this until I have my own family and children and can adopt some of their excitement for the holiday as my own.

Christmas makes me think a lot about culture and family. It’s not a holiday that’s celebrated in China so the things that my family does on the day doesn’t feel like ours either, and a sort of imposter syndrome comes over me and I suddenly feel that everything we do is fake and inauthentic. Our heritage doesn’t celebrate Christmas, why do we?

I guess ultimately it’s a day to spend with people you care about, whatever shape that takes. There’s no prescription on how it should be done. Today we sat around in my Aunt and Uncle’s garage, while my Uncle cooked lamb and chicken on the BBQ and we ate off plates that sat on our laps. It was very unglamorous, nothing at all like the fancy table settings that fill my Instagram feed. But it also felt real – just a bunch of people eating and laughing together on a day where none of us had to work. That’s special.

Meri kirihimete all 🙂

One Hundred

WOW – 100 posts. That makes me quite excited!

I spent tonight with O – he cooked dinner for us and then we watched some movies. It’s hard to not compare him with J. There was such a strong attraction with J that I haven’t found with O yet. I don’t know if that means it’s a lesser connection? Or maybe it will be something that grows with time?

It’s past midnight now so, technically, Christmas! Meri kirihimete all 🙂

Ninety Nine

Attention all.

I held hands with a boy today 🙂

It was O, the one I mentioned in an earlier post. We went for a walk after having lunch together and ended up on the roof of a boat shed by the water. Lying side by side, we talked about our childhoods and the cheeky antics we got up to, the books we were reading, anything really.

There’s something exciting about all those firsts with someone – the first reach of the hand, interlocking fingers and later, the first kiss, the first sleepover. Every time I revisit the memory of us lying there, him tentatively taking my hand into his, I feel that flutter of the heart, and it probably won’t be long before these feelings take flight.

It’s moving a lot slower this time than it did with J and, honestly, I’m enjoying it. With J everything followed in such quick succession that I was swept up in the hurricane of it all but with O, I have the time to relish in each newness. I get to enjoy just holding hands for now, and soaking in this moment of having a crush on a boy. I feel like the slower pace is good for building a better foundation.

I don’t know where this will go, but I’m excited to find out. I’m excited to be excited about someone else. When I first started this blog, I was so heartbroken and devastated by loss that a day like today seemed totally unattainable. But here I am 🙂

Ninety Seven

I rediscovered my Goodreads account today. It was dismal.

I was last active on it in 2013 which was also probably the time that I set up an account and decided to (ambitiously) add all the books I had ever read. I must have realised part way through that that is a shit tonne of books to add, and couldn’t be fucked doing anymore beyond age 6. Imagine if a child had a Goodreads account and the books that would be on those shelves – Roald Dahl, Jacqueline Wilson, etc, etc – this is what my account looked like.

So, I came home tonight after work and did an overhaul and added all the books I had read this year so as to make it seem more like I was the adult that I am. Then I connected my account to Facebook so I could add friends to my account but unbeknownst to me, that meant adding every man and his dog so now I’m connected with people I’m friends with on Facebook who I have nay spoken to in years… HELLO MARC FROM HIGH SCHOOL WHO I HAVEN’T SEEN IN 10 YEARS, WHATCHU READING THESE DAYS.

The internet is hard.