One One One

Had the chat with O tonight, it went well, he called me a unicorn haha. I’m still unsure how I feel about him. There are times when I do think that I like him but I’m not sure and it’s that lack of certainty that concerns me. Does it mean that I actually don’t like him? Or that my feelings are just taking longer to manifest than what I’m used to? And if so, is that a bad thing?

One One Zero

I’m seeing O for dinner on Friday night and he’s just asked if I want to stick around for breakfast on Saturday.

I knew that eventually we would have to have this conversation and I would have to explain to him that while I don’t believe anymore that sex is for marriage, it does mean that I have never had sex.

The rational part of my brain tells me that he hasn’t asked for anything more than just staying over, that I do have experience with some sex stuff so it’s not that I’m completely new to it, and that there is a high chance he will be cool about my history, but there is also a tiny bit in my brain that is scared he’ll reject me for this. And if he does, then it probably means he’s not someone that I want to be with.

I can reason with myself and these insecurities but I still feel a nagging shame about being so sexually inexperienced. Sigh, I can’t win. Either you feel like a prude because you’re not putting out enough or you feel like a slut because you put out too much.

One Zero Six

A few weeks ago I decided on a whim to spend New Years with a friend from uni. He used to flat with my best friend’s ex and that’s how we met in 2013. We were never close- only hung out while my friend and her then boyfriend were together. Since then, we’ve both studied and worked and lived overseas and haven’t kept in touch except for some attempts to cross paths in Europe and birthday well-wishes.

He’s back in New Zealand over the summer (originally the plan was for him and his girlfriend to travel to the country for a few months but she wasn’t granted a visa) and when we caught up, he invited me to spend New Years with him and his friends. M is one of those people I feel a natural chemistry with- endless conversations that roll into each other and which last for hours without realising.

It’s so rare to have genuinely soul fulfilling platonic relationships with someone of the gender that you’re attracted to. But I think that’s what I have with M. I’m excited to see him again and meet his friends who must resemble him in some way.

At the same time I also feel a little anxious- what if his friends don’t like me? What if they’re all old friends with lots of history and I’m the weird tagalong? What if M and I don’t actually have that much to talk about and it’s actually just really awkward that we’re spending New Years together? WHAT IF.

These are the thoughts that I’m left with as I ride this ferry for the next three hours. Oh well. If anything, it’ll at least be a story I can tell.