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I’ve been writing an essay on Wordsworth and the role of memories. My thesis statement is around how our memories heighten all our senses and we experience that moment in time so much more vividly and romantically in our mind than it actually is in reality.

In thinking about seeing J yesterday, I feel that thesis resonate. He looked dull- so ordinary, so.. beige. My memory made him out to be this incredibly shiny person. He’s not. He’s an ordinary human being. There is a level of liberation in realising that.

Thank you Wordsworth.

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Gah, I actually saw J today. I was sitting in the window seat at a cafe, drinking my coffee when he walked by. We made eye contact so I’m pretty sure he saw me too, then I looked away before we acknowledged each other.

I feel… okay? This is what I text my friend earlier today-

…It was strange, I felt a dissociation between my present self and my past self. I felt surprised and a slight tinge of sadness but I don’t think those are present feelings. It’s like my present self is empathising with a past self or like my body was reverting to an old habit of feeling that way towards him. When I saw him I thought he looked very ordinary, like any other human being walking down the road but it’s the knowing he wasn’t an ordinary person to me at some stage in my past that I’m sad for.

So this is where I’m at. My present self is okay. I know that all I’m feeling are just remnants of what I once felt but that’s still sad, remembering how much I loved him and how deeply I felt that loss. I’m in a different place now, I don’t love him anymore. That’s good! That’s growth.

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Just now, I was looking up a word on my Dictionary.com app and an ad popped up. One of the guys looked really familiar and then I realised it was W – J’s best friend.

I really hate being reminded of him, because then I remember again all that’s lost. Even after all this time, even with the knowledge of how things panned out, I stand by the legitimacy of what I felt. The magnetism was real. But we are also human beings, we play along to the rules of external forces. Timing wasn’t right for us, and life be like that sometimes.

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Last night I had a dream that I was nine again. I woke up to intense residual feelings of trying to navigate school and friendships… and shame around my culture and heritage. I couldn’t get back to sleep so started journalling and as I wrote, the more that came back to me about my childhood.

There’s so much that I’d forgotten about. I used to do everything I could to make people believe I was white. I rejected everything that was Chinese, and mimicked the mannerisms, the habits of my white friends so that I could paint this version of myself that I liked better. Who did I think I was fooling?

It’s so sad, to confront this rejection of my identity. I just wanted to be like the other kids. I wanted to be normal. And that meant being white.

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Earlier today, I was grumpy and irritable and sensitive. Within a short space of time, I found myself a lot happier and lighter. All that had happened in between was lunch.

I’m constantly amazed by how our physical body affects our mental states. Feeling grumpy and irritable and sensitive were actually just symptoms of hunger. My body needed food and nourishment and when it got that, I felt so much better. I always forget this! Need to listen to my body more.