Two One Five

Two things are on my mind tonight.

  1. G told me she saw J in town today, with a girl. When she told me, I felt a jolt run through me. It wasn’t pain, but it definitely stirred up some old uneasy emotions. I’m glad she told me though. Initially, I found myself wanting to know all the details – where they were, what they were doing, how they were with each other. But I didn’t ask G to elaborate because probably a part of me knew that none of this mattered anymore. And sure enough, the more I thought about it, the more I found myself becoming indifferent. I have fondness for the time we had together, and I’m realising now that it is possible to have good memories with someone who was bad for you. Knowing that he’s still around here though, makes me anxious about running into him. Just hearing about him through G, I felt myself react, I can only imagine how jarring it will be if I come face to face.
  2. O text me today to make plans for next week when he’s back 🙂 I think that means he heard and understood me yesterday and I’m so so appreciative of that. He listens and cares about my needs! He changes! It makes my heart so happy. He makes my heart so happy. I am extremely glad for him in my life. Extremely glad.

Two One Four

Today I had lunch with O and as I saw him walking towards me down the street, I knew that nothing was wrong at all. He was his same happy self and definitely not feeling any of the anxiety I was feeling.

We went rollerblading and while we were waiting for our rollerblades, I asked him if we were okay. He said ‘yeah, I think so?’ with a bit of surprise in his voice. I said that recently I’d been feeling like I was the only one wanting to hang out and again a little surprised, he said ‘really? I suggest things.. don’t I?’ I shook my head. Then our rollerblades came and that was the end of our conversation.

I get the feeling that he’s not the type to be forthcoming with words or feelings and probably feels a bit uncomfortable in conversations like that one, so I’m content with how this chat went. I communicated how I felt and he knows this now, so I guess the future will tell if he’s taken that on board?

Anyway, turns out my anxiety was for nothing and I’m glad for that 🙂

Two One Three

The anxiety with O continues.

I was hoping that he would initiate something today but he didn’t. I didn’t want to not initiate anything just to prove a point because I do want to see him, so in one of my replies I asked what his week was looking like and that I’d like to see him before he goes away.

From that, we had planned to hang out tomorrow night but as it turns out now, he’s made plans for tomorrow night so we’re doing lunch instead.

I’m so scared that this is him losing interest, that his lack of initiation indicates indifference. I want him to want to see me, and to make space for me in his life.

I know that I need to talk to him about this, because I can’t make myself feel better by obsessing and thinking about it. But how do I do that without coming across as nagging or needy?!

One of my best friends reminded me today, when I vented to her about this, that one of my love languages is words of affirmation and that’s why I’m struggling so much. I don’t feel loved by him because I’m not getting affirmation that he cares about me. My other big love language is quality time and I’m not getting any of that either. But what are his? Surely they have to be words of affirmation and quality time to a certain extent?

I’m scared to probe, because what if he confirms my fears? It’s happened before with one of my exes, it could happen again. I’m really scared.

Two Zero Nine

Remembered in the middle of the night last night that I missed my thought of the day. So here we are! I like having a boyfriend who will take me to the airport early in the morning 🙂

Yesterday was a great day- I got my reading report back for Postcolonial Lit (the one which I wrote realism on). I got an A 😀 good grades always validate my raison d’être for uni. I breathe a sigh of relief each time I see an A on my papers. I feel justified that if I’ve paid lots of money to pursue something I’m interested in, at least it’s something that I’m good at. I guess it feels like a more worthy investment? But then maybe there are also merits and value in receiving poor feedback and poor grades.

The other great thing about this week is that I’ve made my first uni friend since I started back last year. She’s in my two classes and one of my tutorials. We kept bumping into each other and then both turned up to the Bad Feminists Club. We got chatting and are now planning on hanging out! It’s a weird thing being an adult and making friends. It’s not as simple as being at school or church where you’re lumped with a group of people who you spend days and days with, so friendships naturally form. When you’re an adult, you need to do more than just show up, it takes more effort. You talk to someone new and think ‘hey, you’re cool, I’m cool, let’s hang out’, but there are social intricacies to the way that’s communicated so as to not come across too strange or weird. Anyway, I’m just glad to have a uni friend finally! Yay.