Twenty Five

Mum asked me today what I hoped to do with my Graduate Diploma in English Literature. I said I didn’t have a tangible output or outcome in mind, that I’m just studying English for the love of it.

I hate that neoliberalism has reduced our lives to ins and outs. Why can’t we just do things for the reason that they feed our soul, and not for a direct output? I mean, in general, I’m fine with the fact that my studying English is “aimless” (in that I’m not changing careers/ wanting to become an English teacher/ getting into the book industry) but every now and then, when I’m having one of my existential crises, I do wonder if I’m just squandering my very privileged life.

Twenty Four

Today I went to try get a new passport photo but the assistant said the photo requires my eyebrows to be visible. So now I have a dilemma! Do I:

  • Throwback to the early 2000s and give myself a quiff
  • Part my fringe in the middle and look like an old man
  • Give myself a combover and push my fringe to the side

I’m going to have this photo for 10 years. 10 YEARS. Help.

Twenty Two

What is it about pain that makes us push away people who love us?

I’ve been keeping my family and my church at a distance because I don’t want them to see my pain. Now I think I’ve been doing the same with God too.

There’s just something so vulnerable about people who love you, seeing you in pain. You can’t hide your true feelings from people who know you. I don’t want them to worry for me, or try to fix me, or be pained seeing me in pain you know?

Why do I self-sabotage when I’m in the most need?

I need all that love, to fill the parts that were ripped out.

Twenty One

But something told her, some new wisdom about the way things are that she seemed just now to have acquired, that even if they did, it would not be the same. I would have moved on a year, she thought, and I wouldn’t be quite the same person and I mightn’t think the same things at all. I mightn’t, she thought, be interested in the swing and the ilex tree any more. Or Harriet. So it is nice to make the most of it while I am.

– Penelope Lively, A Stitch in Time

I’ve been thinking about this idea that who we are in the future will be different from who we are today. And that maybe these existential crises won’t ever go away, but the best we can do is to just make the most of where we are now.

Nineteen

I’m crying right now. But they’re happy tears.

I came home to a card from J in Canada, reminding me of just how loved I am. Then, as I was getting ready for bed, I see that G’s stuck a “Truths” poster on the ceiling above my bed:

  • Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows
  • God is always at work
  • This breaking of you will be the making of you
  • You don’t owe anyone shit
  • The voices of condemnation, shame and rejection can come at you, but they don’t have to reside in you
  • You can trust yourself again
  • Sometimes we must feel the pain to heal the pain
  • You are loved and accepted
  • You will connect with a soul better matched with yours
  • You a fine ass woman who deserves the best

My heart is so full. So full of love that I haven’t been able to find for myself in such a long time, full from the generosity of people who care for and love me.

Friend – what a small word to describe the void they fill. There needs to be something bigger, more grandiose, trumpets and party poppers, a procession!

I know now that I’ll be okay.

Because how can I not, when I have friends as great as these?

Eighteen

This morning, on the drive to work, I saw him. He crossed the road, right in front of my car.

How is it that I don’t see him for 3 months and then in the space of a few days, I see him twice?!

It made me so mad, seeing him carrying on with his life, so carefree, while I’m here trying to untangle myself from the rejection and hurt and betrayal. He should be carrying this, not me.

Anyway, I made an angry Spotify playlist and have been listening to it on repeat. It’s very helpful.

I have two dates coming up – one tomorrow and one the following day. After I realised I didn’t want him anymore, I went back onto Bumble and here we are. I don’t feel the same excitement for these guys as I did for him but I guess it won’t always start the same way, and maybe this is a good thing? I was so excited about him, but that’s because he was so fucking charming, and I’m starting to realise that that’s not always a good thing. The charm – that’s how they get you. Maybe less charm this time will be good.

Seventeen

I’ve never really been an anxious person. And then I met him.

When we first started dating, I was always so excited to see him that I would have to go to the bathroom multiple times beforehand. Nervous shits.

Now I feel nauseas when I think about him, want to throw up on an empty stomach. My heart contracts to the point of pain and my fingertips feel tingly as my vision blurs.

I hate that I’ve been reduced to this, hate that I’m not stronger to overcome my feelings with logic.

I haven’t cried since the day I saw them together, and I think that’s because I’m not sad about us anymore. I just feel rejected and betrayed. Betrayed by what his actions lead me to believe, betrayed by what I thought I knew about him, betrayed by what I thought I read from the situation. In some ways, rejection and betrayal are easier to overcome than heartbreak because their solution isn’t specific to that person. For that I’m glad.

I was thinking the other day that because of my limited dating experience, I don’t have a lot of “near-misses”. And by that, I mean people that you are compatible with in lots of ways but for some reason, it doesn’t work out – the almost-theres, but not quite. Because of this, the loss of this almost-there relationship feels so much heavier and more poignant than it probably does for other people. In reality, the majority of us will likely have a lot of almost-theres in our history before we find our there person.

Today I’ve been wondering how many exes he keeps in loose contact with, just to keep that option open. Fuck that. I’m no one’s back up. I’m either your first choice or none at all. He couldn’t make that call so I’ll make it – I never want to see him again.

It’s freeing, to come to the realisation that I don’t want him back. Even though that’s not completely how I feel yet, I know this for certain in my head and it’s just a matter of time before my emotions catch up. This means that I can start dating again, and not hold back for him. Progress.